| I'm going to start an urban gang whose primary activity will be counting things and then lying about how many there are. We will strike fear into the hearts of millions. Instead of the classic "ribbit," frogs should all say "hi-ho!" Also, they should be made out of stainless steel. C'mon, all the other nonconformists are doing it. --one of those Foundation books It's a good thing the ancient Sumerians couldn't drive, because there are few things worse than being run over by a truckload of ancient Sumerians. I'm sure glad we don't have land-dwelling lobsters. And the mountains shall ring with the angry sound of sandwiches being made. --Jamal 6:20 I wonder if my neighbor will realize I cut his car in half. It's a good thing yaks can't fly; just think of the big mess they'd make if they got tired while high aloft! Just as... a guy screams as he falls from a tall building, snow should scream as it falls from the sky. (I bet many of us would have to change our favorite season.) And the wrath of the elves was upon them, and they cowered behind pillars of Melba toast. --Jamal 2:2 Isn't this a nice red bar? I think it's lovely, which is basically why I put it here. Also, I did it because I could, which kind of conflicts with the fact that these pages have no embedded sound or movies, since I could do those, too, but that would be a nasty trick to pull on people with slow connections like myself, so I won't. (However, I did stick you with an image map. Heh heh heh....) Why don't... pastry shops sell paste? The Institute for Slowly and Painfully Working Out the Blindingly Obvious has made another breakthrough: day care deters bonding between mothers and children. Jeans are napkins that you wear. Do you... suppose chickens have lips? I do. If they didn't, the wind would whistle through their beaks, and, I mean, who ever heard of a whistling chicken? Study reveals... obesity shortens life expectancy. --The Buffalo News New York State's latest report on the "distribution of wealth" reveals that rich people have more money than poor people! Amazing! Studies show... that the more shy a person is, the less likely he is to commit any acts of aggression. (Yes, they actually did studies.) --MIT Technology Review I we todd did. |
Chronic Stupidity Syndrome Do you get lost in your own house? Do you talk so fast that you say things you haven't thought of yet? Have you ever forgotten your name or where you live? If you said yes to any of these questions, you may have Chronic Stupidity Syndrome (CSS), a condition which torments millions of Americans each year. Because its symptoms have traditionally been attributed to laziness and lack of motivation, many people afflicted with this disease don't even know it exists. As a long-term sufferer myself, I was relieved to find that my foolishness was not actually my fault. Stop feeling depressed about your idiocy, and learn to use CSS as an excuse to escape from your responsibilities!As a victim of CSS, you are entitled to certain privileges not available to the general, non-stupid public. Take, for instance, the much-coveted handicapped spaces at the mall. As a CSS sufferer, you are permitted to use these spaces to lessen your chances of forgetting what kind of car you drive. And if, by chance, you do accidentally drive off in the Oscar Meyer WienermobileTM, the law provides more lenient penalties for the intelligence-impaired. In school, you can enjoy some of the other benefits of CSS. Next time you are assigned a long essay, politely explain your condition to your teacher, and he may authorize you to repeat every third third word you say say to help you meet your word quota. You may even be allowed to use stupidistic adjective forms. Here's another chunk of good news: New York State recently approved legislation to lower the passing grade on Regents exams to three points for the chronically stupid, two of which are awarded for signing your name. The use of CSS as an excuse..er...handicap can alleviate a great deal of stress in your life.The causes of Chronic Stupidity Syndrome are still under investigation. Preliminary results indicate that although genetics may play a part in the disease, the underlying cause of CSS is stupidity. [EDITOR'S NOTE: Duhhh!] Although CSS currently has no cure, there is hope. A number of effective treatments exist, the most reliable of which is a swift blow to the head with some sort of blunt object. Also, I find that a good ten hours' sleep works wonders, even if you have to get it during class. Unfortunately, no CSS vaccine is currently available, but research continues. (Of course, there is always studying, but that's a bit drastic, isn't it?)As the world becomes increasingly devoid of common sense, us CSS victims will feel more and more at home. But until reason dissolves completely, "normal" people will always be envious of our lower standards. So, the next time you pour orange juice on your cereal, remember these valuable tips for dealing with the trials of perpetual idiocy.BarrelsSo how come more things don't come in barrels? Barrels are cheap, attractive, and convenient, plus they're made out of wood (an important thing to look for in any container). Tried and tested, they've been the package of choice for centuries.Compared with the barrel, many of today's packaging technologies fall sadly short. Consider this example: a cardboard box of detergent would never survive a week-long swim in the ocean. Had that same detergent been shipped in a barrel, it would have been bone-dry and ready to go when it washed ashore. Of course, nowadays, we could certainly go to great lengths to improve upon the traditional barrel. We could seal it with silicone instead of tar and substitute titanium metal strappy things for iron ones, preventing both leakage and rust in one swell foop.Barrels are also environmentally friendly. They release no hazardous CFC's (unless, of course, you use them to ship refrigerators). Plus, a single barrel can be reused hundreds of times. When age robs them of their storage value, we can erect glorious skyscrapers made entirely of old barrels.The Second Age of the Barrel is most definitely dawning. We should all avail ourselves to reviving this wonderful container.Duct ApeInstead of using a sticky strip of plastic to seal duct work, why not use a large primate? Duct apes could walk the length of duct work, examining it for leaks and other flaws. Upon finding one, the duct ape could repair it using its gooey saliva. By using duct apes, we would open up new jobs, move critters off the overcrowded savannahs, and give those apes something constructive to do. If you feel as I do about this important matter, write a note to your senator. Maybe we can get a Duct Ape Mandate passed.Tax-Free SchoolingNOTE: I wrote this for my school newspaper, hence all the references to specific things unique to my school. The most important of these is the Funky Little Book, which, you should know, is a cute little planner book whose primary function is to keep a record of how many hall passes each student has used during the course of each month.Have you ever heard your parents complain about the rising school taxes? "I know that education is important, dear. I'm just afraid our children aren't worth this much." If this attitude is common at your house, you may appreciate these ideas for lowering or altogether eliminating school taxes in our district.With the introduction of the beloved Funky Little Book, the administration has already taken steps to cut the number of unnecessary passes. Here's a far more effective way: pay toilets. By installing coin-operated toilets in all the lavatories, the school could both dissuade students from superfluous bathroom visits and rake in a few bucks on the side. However, this leaves the issue of smoking untended. If students are going to the lav to smoke, why not set up some cigarette vending machines and cash in on their habit? We could ditch the "smoke police" and replace them with neon signs that say "Smoke here!"If you haven't been frozen in a glacier for the last three thousand years, you have, no doubt, passed through a highway toll booth. The state seems to think, and rightly so, that we should pay for the maintenance of the blacktop we drive on. Why not extend that practice to the terrazzo of our hallways? I move that a small tollbooth be erected near the pay phone in the music wing. Members of the student council could man the booth and collect dues from passing students. To compensate for the bottleneck this would put on traffic, we would have to issue permits (at an added price, of course) for students to drive their cars in the building, greatly speeding inter-class transportation. This provides for a host of other hallway enterprises. We might even open a chain of gas stations!And speaking of gas, did you know that the transportation expenses for one measly field trip soar into the hundreds of dollars? Just imagine how much the taxpayers spend every year hauling your carcass from your house in the Eastern Boonies to school in the Western Boonies. The cost of this inter Boonie transportation is truly stifling. Our principal, after reviewing the latest transportation budget report, was misquoted as saying, "Can't these kids get out and push?" His evil twin, recognizing a fine idea, immediately presented a proposal to the Board of Education. It states that, starting next school year, the only people riding in the buses will be the drivers. Everyone else will be hitched to the front of the bus with heavy cables and will pull. An addendum to this may allow the sled team to jump up and ride on the bumper while coasting downhill.Although its goal may prove scientifically unobtainable, I recommend the school board form a committee to investigate possible ways of reducing the production cost of school lunches. These include sponsoring archeological digs to search for older milk specimens and hiring biologists to find nastier parts of the horse to put in the hamburgers. Also, to save energy, the hamburgers would not be cooked in this low-cost cafeteria. Instead they would be inserted by the lunchroom staff into the gym lockers and allowed to cook by the heat radiating from recently-worn sweat socks. I will continue to bring my own lunch.Heat and other utilities represent another major drain on school funds. Instead of paying expensive heating bills, why not build a small fire in the center of each classroom? Just look at all the dittos we have for kindling! We could save on electric bills, too, with only a small initial investment. Instead of paying for power, we could make our own by setting up giant hamster wheels in the basement and attaching them to generators. When the hamsters need a break, students could sign out of study hall and lend a hand. With all the other resources we have at our disposal, there is no good reason to pay for outside utilities.This list is not nearly finished, but the hamsters are exhausted, so I have to turn off the computer. Just remember this: with a little bit of ingenuity, we can deal out a beating to both school taxes and to our own sanity.College Board Conspiracy Uncovered!NOTE: This article is full of lies. Yes, lies. As in not true. So no more phone calls please. (This means you, Mr. Senator!)The smell of death hung heavy in the air. Young people, now mindless automatons, spouted inane drivel about events occurring centuries before their birth. This fearsome spectacle is the AP History exam. Recently, I had the extreme displeasure of taking this exam. Conceived by the infamous College Board, this test and others like it are the bane of students everywhere, who lose cumulative months of sleep cramming futilely. More often than not, their efforts end in despair, as they receive low or even negative grades in the mail months later. I have watched some of my closest friends deteriorate from states of relative sanity to blubbering masses of sobbing heartache. Until recently, the results of AP tests remained, for the most part, unquestioned, but now, due to the emergence of incriminating evidence from various trustworthy sources (all of whom wished to remain anonymous), both the validity of the exams and the integrity of the College Board itself are in doubt.The College Board, the mysterious power which creates the SAT and all AP exams, is supposedly run by a bunch of well-qualified college professor types, not by the sadistic maniacs one might expect. However, sources within a local mental hospital claim their institution offers a type of early release program in which patients can shorten their hospital stays by volunteering to serve on the College Board. There, these disturbed individuals channel their deranged energies into writing impossible tests, each one a demented effort to destroy the minds of the students taking it. It seems germane, somehow, that these patients eventually come to produce the same instruments of torture which first drove many of them to their current conditions. There is, most definitely, a vicious cycle in place. Some researchers even speculate that the entire system is controlled and sustained by the aliens invasion force from Neptune.The adverse effects of College Board exams on students reach far and wide, even propagating into our quiet little corner of Mars...er...Earth. Think about your experiences the week of the big history exam. How many times did you greet a friend in the hallway, only to be met with an empty stare and some monotonic remark about the Fifteenth Amendment? More than a few students had the irritating experience of waking up several times a night in a cold sweat, screaming obscenities about Wilson and his Fourteen Points. Others were not so lucky. One student went a record 184 hours without sleep before dropping dead just prior to the exam. What a shame-$36.50 down the drain, just like that! The repercussions of this accursed test were appalling-sanity was shattered; jobs, lost; families, broken apart. Similar outcomes could have resulted from a small war.Considering all the blood, sweat, tears, lymph, bile, and other bodily fluids students pour into AP exams, one might at least think himself justified in expecting a fair, accurate score in return. In fact, the psychopaths who write the exams do not correct them. They hire other psychopaths to do it. While the multiple choice sections of College Board exams are machine-scored (although with answer keys of dubious precision), the thousands of essays that pour into College Board Galactic Headquarters in Hampton's Nose, New Jersey prove too much for the poor mental patients to handle alone. They are forced to hire, with money garnered from test fees and illegal Latin American arms sales, additional staff to assist them in their task. Because the AK-47 just doesn't sell for the bundle it once did, funds are somewhat limited. This severely limits the quality of the new hirees. Those who are not homeless, non-English-speaking vagrants are mostly Latino gang leaders who have run out of ammunition. Thus, a very simple system for objectively scoring the essay responses had to be concocted. Deep in the heart of Galactic Headquarters, there is a sealed room. Anyone entering or leaving is subject to a retinal scan, a genetic analysis, and four mandatory shots of vodka (more if necessary). Inside sit approximately a dozen College Board "specialists," who spend their days hurling darts at specially designed dart boards with delimited areas for each possible essay score, ranging from "poor" to "most wretched." These scores are recorded on scraps of old newspaper, which are then shuffled, postmarked, and sent to Data Processing, where the aforementioned crazies (with the help of magic eight balls) create the reports sent to students. This, folks, is our great American educational system at work.Because taking any College Board exam is just like banging your head against a wall (except with fewer opportunities for reward), you may be tempted to give away your entire Wayne Newton record collection and hurl yourself from the nearest high structure. Although this course of action might seem logical now, and although it has worked for many students before, it makes a terrible mess on the sidewalk and deprives the College Board of future employees. Instead of becoming suicidal, call the Board and apply for a job. After all, where else could they find such warped, deranged minds as in a high school?New Kit from Gorko Alleviates Automobile Annoyances!NOTE: This article consists wholly and completely of lies. Any attempt to purchase the described product will be discovered and publicized as an example of advanced Chronic Stupidity Syndrome.Have you ever become annoyed at your car? Sure you have. Between those infernal child-proof door locks, unintelligible sound system controls, oversensitive theft alarms, and other wonderful "features," there are times when we're all tempted to trade in the blasted things for good, old, reliable '89 model Pogo sticks. However, if your knees just can't take that kind of punishment anymore, you might consider the new Super-Deluxe Automobile Enhancement Kit from Gorko Technologies, a gem of a product which alleviates several of the most trying nuisances in recent vehicles.Gorko's Enhancement Kit complements the stock automobile with the addition of a number of unique safety features. First among these is the long-awaited driver-side ejection seat. This system, upon detection of a frontal impact at a speed exceeding fifteen MPH, uses a combination of explosive bolts and compressed air to rocket the driver clear of the damaged vehicle. It should be noted, however, that if the included hinging roof panels are not installed correctly, the results can be unpleasant and/or messy. Power lines, trees, and low-flying aircraft also prove hazardous. The next of the Kit's safety innovations takes advantage of the often-underestimated abilities of the familiar servo-controlled driver's seat to prevent motorists from falling asleep at the wheel. By routing the seat controls through a special, patented sensor box, which monitors the driver's brain wave patterns, the seat is given the ability to violently shake awake any driver who begins to nod off. Although this feature may startle the driver into careening onto the shoulder, over a guardrail, and off a cliff, it at least ensures that he will be conscious (if a bit frazzled) for his last few moments on Earth. Another great breakthrough (sophomoric pun intended) finally does something about those irritating, go-down-halfway-and-then-stop-and-laugh-at-the-silly-human rear windows that you've so often wanted to put your fist through. Well, now you can do just that without all the time-consuming trips to the emergency room! The Enhancement Kit includes two sugar glass rear windows (more may be purchased separately) that shatter easily with one blow. Impress your girlfriend/boyfriend: never resort to rolling down a window again! Finally, this Gorko wonder includes a proprietary restraint system which uses the same quick-hardening foam European police have enjoyed for years. At the instant of a collision, two tons of WonderFomeTM explode from an underside-mounted tank and through an easily-installed duct system, encasing not only the passenger cab, but the entire accident scene as well, preserving eyewitnesses and completely eliminating hit-and-runs. Can you think of a company with which you would rather trust your life? I thought not.But of course, safety isn't for everyone; there are those who would rather fly through a windshield (and have a great time doing it) than be strapped securely to a chair where they'd have a hard time reaching their beloved radio controls. For these carefree souls who want nothing more than the most effortless, trouble-free driving experience possible, the Kit offers several tantalizing features. First comes a simple solution to the age-old question, "Where in the blue blazes did I park the car?" With the included remote-controlled flare launcher, the answer is as clear as day, especially in parking garages or near puddles of gasoline. Another bright idea helps to alleviate the battery suckage caused by daytime running lights, a popular scourge on today's new vehicles. By tossing a relay and a fifty-cent capacitor into the electronic fray, Gorko's Enhancement Kit turns your drab steady-beam running lights into groovy, power-conserving strobes. Disco fever, baby! And what about those truckers that pull up so close behind you that they smear your Grateful Dead bumper stickers? Have you always wanted to get even but been unsure of your chances against Big Mo the Trucker Man? Suffer in silence no more; just press the big, red button, and a pair of pneumatically propelled stainless steel spikes will shoot out from your bumper, puncturing the offending rig's radiator and applying a tastefully designed "Gorko wuz here" sticker. Lastly, in the interest of drunken drivers everywhere, who complain loudly that there just isn't enough room in the car to store enough beer to get properly wasted, Gorko includes a clever device for carving out more cupholders. A modified Craftsman post hole digger outfitted with two swivelling titanium jaws, the Gorko Dig-a-DrinkTM has the leverage to bore through even the toughest interior plastics, putting more drinks than ever readily at hand and saving awkward stops by the side of the road to rotate the beverage selection. After all, what better way to relax after a hard day than cruising down the road behind a thick alcoholic haze, punching holes in semis?And what's a car without an eardrum-shattering sound system? Gorko's can crank out over five hundred earth-shaking decibels on a good day, enough to bring most small buildings crashing to the ground. The bulk of this noise is owed to the system's breakthrough subwoofers, actually nothing more than poorly balanced, high-power electric motors bolted to the car's frame. Through this ingenious strategy of substituting sheets of steel for the traditional paper or plastic membranes, a wretched sound, the like of which has never before assaulted the air, is produced. Despite its superior volume, however, this component of the Kit is not for everyone: it has been known to ruin paint jobs and to cause drivers' heads to implode. In fact, last summer, a song played on a Gorko sound system in L.A. was mistaken by the National Weather Service for a minor quake. These potential hazards aside, the Gorko audio system is a fine way to end a life.Don't put up with all the flak your car gives you. Give the Gorko Super-Deluxe Automobile Enhancement Kit a try, and replace all your old, debilitating annoyances with new, debilitating annoyances. See you in the emergency room!Gorko Technologies, Inc. cannot be held liable for any damage occurring to person or property as a result of the use or misuse of our products. Sloth Attack!Little did young Cindy Turkle know that this was to be her last day with full control of her limbs. A second grade student in the small town of Millstone, Rhode Island, Cindy hadn't a care in the world as she admired the displays in the toy factory her class was touring. She reached out her hand toward a particularly lifelike stuffed animal. What a sweet little bear, she mused, right before the "sweet little bear" leapt from its table and raked its claws across Cindy's face. Screams of pain pierced the air as Cindy and the snarling creature went down in a tangle of claws and fur. Within minutes, security personnel armed with tranquilizer guns had neutralized the animal, but, alas, it was too late. The attacker had severed Cindy's brachial plexus, leaving both her arms permanently paralyzed. This situation is not unique; tragedies of this sort occur every day to innocent, unsuspecting people all across the Atlantic shoreline. And it is high time for us to do something about it. We must end the wretched scourge which cost Cindy Turkle her mobility. The invasion of our east coast cities by killer four-toed sloths must be stopped.First, a bit of explanation: unlike the common and relatively innocuous three-toed variety, four toed sloths are quite intelligent and have opposable thumbs, enabling them to use tools and weapons and to hitch rides with unwary drivers. This vicious new species seems rather intent on wresting control of the North American continent from us humans, as evident from the signs they carry which read, "We are rather intent on wresting control of the North American continent from the humans." Already, the sloths have demolished several major structures, including the World Trade Center and parts of Wayne Gretsky's bridgework, with their sharp claws and saw-like teeth. Furthermore, the destruction promises to escalate in the foreseeable future, as the sloths obtain and learn to use such devastating weapons as nerve gas, M-1 tanks, and old wheels of Limburger cheese.Even as you read this, the sloth menace continues to flood the country, with hundreds more leaving their jungle homes every day to slip in among South American shipments of stuffed animals. Escaping from warehouses and toy stores, they then scatter across the coast, leaving nothing but devastation in their wakes. The sloths ravage our cities and destroy our lives, and what do we do in return? Nothing. This madness must stop.I propose an immediate, government-sponsored retaliation the aggressing sloths. If we execute a counterstrike on several facets of their campaign simultaneously, there may still be hope for us. First, we must choke the sloths economically, instating a mandatory death sentence for anyone who engages in commerce with a sloth or with any particularly slothlike human. Our second priority should be a complete embargo on all foreign-made slothlike stuffed toys, cutting off the enemy's source of new personnel. These initial steps in place, we must then arm the citizens against the sloth rampage; the waiting period for obtaining handguns must be suspended, and high-powered rifles must be made freely available on every street corner of the nation. Finally, since no military campaign can succeed without media support, a ban must be established on all nature programs which depict sloths as cuddly, slow moving, or otherwise nonmilitant.Friends, in this dark hour, with sloths closing in on all sides, we must heed the anguished cries of the Cindy Turkles of our country. If you do nothing now but retreat into your homes with stockpiles of food, water, and Bon Jovi albums, you may be dooming your children to a life of enslavement under sloth overlords. So circulate a petition. Threaten your Congressmen. Burn your old issues of National Geographic. Do whatever it takes to rid the continent of this furry, four-toed plague. Your country and your world are depending on you!Celebrating NonconformityHello, and thank you all for coming tonight.When I was first told I'd have to make a speech tonight, I really had no idea what I should talk about. So I looked through a few past salutatory speeches, and I noticed that most of them took the form of pleasant, nostalgic walks down memory lane. Realizing this, I immediately resolved to take a totally different approach. «put on giant screw hat»I wanted my speech tonight to send a clear message that people would remember even as they drift off to sleep during tonight's ceremony. In short, I didn't want my speech to conform to the established norm.Well, I thought for a good, long while about what "clear, original message" I should attempt to send. And, finally, after much deliberation, I came up with a generous portion of nothing at all. So, I figured, why not give a speech about nonconformity itself?It's certainly both a worthy topic for a speech and a useful technique for living. There are all sorts of rewards out there for people who are willing to be a little bit "different." Take, for instance, this excerpt from a favorite book of mine, Michael Crichton's The Terminal Man:McPherson...had interviewed dozens of candidates who thought the job was "a challenge" or "an interesting systems application context." Gerhard said he thought it would be fun, and was hired immediately. By being blatantly different and displaying a playful, positive attitude, Gerhard got himself noticed, something that mere credentials cannot always do.So, tonight, I urge not just the graduating class, but everyone in attendance tonight to stick out a little bit. Act screwy. Shock someone. Stand out from the crowd. Refuse to conform.And, to borrow a phrase from another proud nonconformist, that's all I have to say about that. Thank you.CatapultsWhen people think "catapult" (and they don't very often, as I can attest from the strange looks I get when I bring it up around the dinner table), the first thought that comes to their minds is likely a bunch of medieval warriors valiantly flinging big rocks at some castle out in the boonies. "Catapults have had their day. Let them die," bleats the general populace. But I think catapults can fill an important niche in our modern, day-to-day lives. What niche, you might unwisely ask? Rapid transit!Why spend grueling hours in traffic jams when a simple solution is just a twang away? With a bank of computer-controlled catapults on every street corner, you could just walk up to the console, punch in the coordinates of your destination (taking care to get them juuuuust right), and let the high-powered pneumatics do the rest! You'd be sailing on a blissful journey home while your car-driving coworkers are still fighting to get out of the parking lot!For longer trips, there would doubtless develop Catapult Cooperatives, organizations who would string together their catapults in great relays to rocket their customers hundreds of miles or more. There would also be an open market for trans-Atlantic catapultation; someone could straightforwardly build a reception and relaunching platform (utilizing an industrial-strength trampoline or a giant tub of grape jello) out of a disused oil-drilling platform. Simple!So, if you feel as strongly as I do about the present-day potential of catapults, here's what you can do: don't bother your Congressman about it; he's busy. Instead, take it upon yourself to tear up all existing roads and replace them with catapults. Good luck!Next --> 101 Uses for the Gorko Roto-SquidTM  Grinch Central | Grinchware | Stupidity | Sounds | Pictures | Linkles Send a cheesecake to grinch@psu.edu |
